With each day that passes, life is getting back to normal. I do think about Sawyer often but I’m not overwhelmed with sadness like before. It’s more like a memory of something that happened, rather than a person I lost. I do get down when I see new born babies or pregnant women, or hear of someone who just had a baby with no problem but besides that, I’m doing better.
On a different note, Aiden has been a little strange. A few years ago we found a song that just became Brian’s song. It’s a less popular country song about a good, strong man/father/husband/etc. Lately, every time we get in the car, Aiden takes my phone, plays the song, and cries. Like serious tears. The first time it happened freaked me out. I heard him crying and when I asked him what was wrong he said, “I just love daddy so much”. I thought it was really sweet so of course I started crying. You should of seen Brian when we both came in crying because “we loved him so much”. Let me paint a picture for you: Brian is relaxing on the couch after his class and Aiden and I walk in the door, crying, and both sit on the couch hugging him while telling him how much we love him. He was thoroughly confused. Also, Aiden has been asking us when we are going to have another baby. He says that he really wants to be a big brother. He also said that families are suppose to have two kids. I spoke to his teacher today and found out that they have been talking a lot about families. She told me that based on today’s kids books, the quintessential perfect family seems to be two parents and two kids. That explains why he keeps saying we need two kids and he wants to be a big brother, but what is with the tears for daddy when we literally just left him? Apparently there are a few kids in his class that don’t have dads. I don’t think Aiden can wrap his mind around the thought of, “Wait a minute. You mean dads can just leave?!” I feel like he keeps in the back of his mind that his dad might leave him. You should have seen his little face the other night when he said, “Where’s daddy”? and I jokingly replied, “He left because you’re driving him nuts.” Oh my God, I’ve never felt like more of an asshole! I immediately grabbed him up and kept repeating, “That was a joke! You know your daddy would never leave you!”. Parenting fail.
Aiden has been talking about Sawyer a lot lately. He wanted to assign a song to be Sawyer’s song (We decided on Wagon Wheel by Darius Rucker. Sawyer moved like crazy in my belly when I would sing it. He got to where as soon as the song came on, he’d start wiggling). Every once in a while, he’ll say he misses Sawyer. I think he was really excited and now misses the thought of a little brother. We were at JCPenneys the other day and he was being so well behaved and using great manners. The cashier said, “He’s so polite. Is he your only one?”, to which I nodded. Aiden said, “Yeah, our baby died.” The poor woman didn’t know what to say. She had a mortified look on her face and muttered the words, “I’m sorry”. Aiden grabbed my hand, then patted it and said,”It’s okay. Mommy’s okay. Come on mommy”, and led me out of the store. I turned around to smile at the poor girl and I’m pretty sure she was crying.
Later that day, Aiden was playing with Play-Doh. He always makes me things so when I saw he had made a heart, I assumed it was for me. I said, “Oh honey, did you make that for me?” To which he replied, “Nope. This is for Sawyer because I miss him”.
You’re not going to believe this but as I am typing this now, I looked over at Aiden who was zoned out watching TV and asked him what he was thinking about. Exact words: “I want you to have another baby. I want a baby brother”. This is sweet, but nothing breaks my heart more than when he starts explaining why he will make such a great big brother, like he’s pleading his case. As if he thinks that’s why we don’t have a baby yet. I keep telling him, “Aiden, I know you will be the best big brother one day!” One day.